exasize 15

Some days are hard days.
Most days are normal but sometimes you wake up and just know.
Or sometimes, like this morning, it takes a few minutes...

i woke up happy with the sense of having just left some reassuring dreams but it soon crept in on me. I knew it was going to be a hard day:

- when I couldn't meditate. My mind wandered everywhere, down long tracks I could hardly drag it back from and i often forgot to drag it back.

- When I remembered that the problem I'd unhappily gone to sleep with, was not magically solved this new day. And that the problem could not be solved, only sent away. And that was sad. It felt like failure, defeat, giving up the good fight.

- when it became almost impossible to decide whether to cycle or drive to work. Will it rain? Will it not? Are they clouds? Is that blue sky? Is the weather website really accurate? What would happen if i drove? Would it really be the end of the world to get a little rained on while on and are the slippery roads too dangerous fror cycling? Does my body feel fatigued? Is it really up to the ride up that hill?
Whatever decision i make, i'll probably wish i'd made the other one. When simple decisions cripple you, you know something's up.

- when I arrived at work and a cold empty heaviness filled me as i reached the front door and my head felt big and pressure-filled.

I sat at my desk and worked with a tiny, indescribable sense of edge - the fringes of worry or fret just held at a distance, unacknowledged, un-permitted.

I went tensely to the internal meeting i didn't want to have. And survived it. It wasn't too bad at all.

Then finally a phone call from my Dad, who i've not heard from for weeks, with sad, worrying news about a family friend. And that was it. That's what I'd been unconsciously dreading all day. After that, my equilibrium returned - replaced with a concern that actually had a real focus, a reason.

And I was reminded yet again, that my gut is strong, and i can trust it to warn me.