excise 20

lately i like to tell people i feel like i'm living in the twilight zone.
Probably a terrible description of something i can't quite describe.

I've stepped outside and am observing my life..

Friday-itis.
i potter around the house in the morning, getting ready for work, finding things to do, to delay me from heading to the office.
As i cycle closer to the building i sense the unreality of everything in my life.
In one sense i feel more grounded and whole than ever. Aware of who i am. But there's nothing to anchor me to this life. No motivation.
I'm heading to a job that in someways i like - it has certain freedoms, i like my colleagues. But It's like as old shoe that's not even comfortable any more. Or a relationship that's long since lost its reason or magic, but you're so entrenched in it, it's formed so much of what defines your life and history, that you can't just walk out on it.
As if this thing i'm holding onto is the only thing between me and nothingness. And yet it is practically nothing.
I have little emotional investment in it. I'm treading water there. There's nothing to sink my teeth into or be passionate about.
It's as if it's only fear of having nothing to replace it that is the sole motivation for turning up there every day.
That, and the investment i've put in over the years. The hours and energy and brain power. Would i just be throwing that investment down the drain? Is this really worth chucking out? Does it have potential? Do i have the energy to find its potential?

I feel burned out. I believe a lot of people are feeling this at the end of 2007. Seems i'm not the only one who's had a hard year and is counting the minutes til the xmas holidays start.
But beneath that is the fear of the depth of this burn-out.
I'm afraid that if i stop i'll lose my grip on the real world and will drop out entirely. Like i did after my uni-burn out. Those rudderless, wasted years. That i'm still paying for now. This capacity in me for extreme workaholism, and then extreme depletion and apathy dangles like a threat.
it's like in that film The Bed Sitting Room, about post nuclear holocaust England. For their safety, everyone must "keep moving!"
Or that woody allen quip about sharks. "It has to constantly move forward or it dies."
Except he was talking about relationships. In my case it's me, it's life, or what western culture defines as normal life.

Something terrible will happen if I stop.

The job used to be huge part of my life. It defined me. Now it's not.
But i still hold that memory and the contradiction of what was and what is, is a problem.
Sometime my job is a downright an inconvenience.
A necessary source of income that gets in the way of all my other little projects.
And that's not like me.

But anyway, how real is this other life outside of work?

My life has felt ungrounded and strange and surreal for so long now.
This anchorless-ness. Nothing to root me in the normal day to day of life. The things that other normal people do.
I have my habits and hobbies and pleasures. I get up and do things. But i often don't really know why. Except it's better than NOT doing anything.
I'm not about to take to my bed and never get up.
Maybe the urge to entertain/distract myself - to not be bored - is my sole motivation.
It's bizarre.
Where is this all going?
Why can't i just take a leap and dare to sample that nothingness?
Why do i cling to something that's half dead to me now. As i try each day to resuscitate it. Somedays trying harder than others.

And yet i'm not unhappy. I am possibly more peaceful in myself than i've ever been.
Maybe this is a part of the process of learning and wisdom.
To finally see thru the facade, past the unreality of all these surface things, preconceptions and conditioned ideas.
It stops me getting caught up in silly things and being upset by the unimportant.
And it's somewhat terrifying.

These are strange days.