Number 40

There's a sequence in a sit-com i like, in which the satellite reception turns bad. Charlie is about to "call the man", but Alan knows this is a simple fix. So he gets a ladder, climbs up on the roof, gives it a small adjustment (while his brother downstairs watches the TV and yells instructions) and the picture is easily restored. Alan climbs back down the ladder, the ladder slips.....

Cut to Alan returning from the hospital in a half body cast. His brother is unsympathetic. "You should have just called the man." When friends and family see Alan and hear the story their response is "Why didn't you just call the man?"

I sympathise with Alan. To his credit, he DID fix the TV reception.

Cut to my broken cat door. Simple enough. It just needs 4 screws to put it back in place. It will take minutes.

I sit down with my tools and meagre collection of odd left-ofter screws but soon realise i don't have a necessary cordless power tool. The manual screwdriver is not working. None of my screws are long enough, and don't have lock nuts or washers to fit. The original bits of hardware are long gone, and the plastic holes in the cat-door are worn and torn. With a small degree of frustration at not being able to do the simplest task that requires only the most rudimentary understanding of mechanics and handyman-ness, I call the agent and they call the man.

A couple of days later i come home and the cat door is all fixed. It was effortless, apart from the few days wait. And i think maybe Alan should have just called the man after all, too.

EXCEPT - a closer look - the cat door's been put on backwards. This means the flaps don't work properly, the cat's afraid to use it, and i can't seal it closed at night for security, from the inside.

Have i learned my lesson tho?

No. I wait the couple of days for the weekend when i am sure i can fix it myself in a now that the door is in place with all the proper length screws, washers and nuts. All i need is my phillips head screwdriver. Whip it off, turn it around, screw it back on again. Easy peasy.

Wrong again. Turns out the door was in such bad shape (which is why it fell off in the first place) that the job's been completely bodgied-up. The screws are GLUED in place. I can crack off a couple of them. But by the time i'm at the third one, and have spent a good 20 minutes trying all sorts of pliers, clamps and every other tool in my box on the task, i've completely destroyed the head of the screw and it's barely budged. The level of frustration is making me sweat a little, and curse.

I am forced to give up.

On the plus side. All my fiddling around means the cat-flaps works better now. So at least it's more usable. So.... not a complete waste of time.

On Monday I am going to have to call the man.