How Not To Do A Funeral Service

Having been to several funeral services in less than a year, I now feel somewhat of an expert on the dos and don’ts.

And by “several”, I mean two - which is a lot by my standards and is two more than anyone should ever have to go through. If I had my way no-one would ever die. (But then where would we put all the people? …I hear they are terraforming Mars…)

1. If the family asks you not to mention the cause of death, don’t

And along with not talking about how the dearly departed left us, especially don’t keep making reference to the fact that you’re not talking about it. 

It’s like when there’s an elephant in the room. You don’t point to it and yell “Ignore that elephant over there. Let me remind you that we are all ignoring the elephant!” 

Geeze.

Which leads me to point 2:

2. Don’t hire a numskull to MC the service

I know that’s a pretty tough call. You’re in shock and grief and the last thing you want to do is make funeral arrangements, and all those awful decisions. “Seriously? You want me to choose the wood for the casket while i’m falling apart emotionally?” It’s easiest just to put yourself in the hands of the nearest firm of funeral directors and let them take care of everything.

Only you don’t want to be feeling cranky at your loved one’s funeral.

There’s something off-putting about a complete stranger standing up in front of a person’s nearest and dearest and talking like he knew the deceased really well. When it’s so clear to all the actual friends and family that this person who’s conducting the ceremony, saying all that stuff about a person’s life and character, didn’t know the deceased even existed until a few days ago.

It was particularly jarring the day we farewelled my atheist friend’s atheist dad. His family and many friends like me were secularly inclined too, but the service was run by a priest who just banged on and on about God. He had no idea. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

and most importantly, because laughter really is the best medicine:

3. Open with a Joke

Funerals are hard work. Very hard. And they are, without doubt, heartbreakingly sad. Throughout the service the various speeches will be full of touching and emotional tributes to bring forth buckets of tears you didn’t even know you had in you. 

So best to break the ice and focus first on the fun parts of the deceased’s life. You know - the things you’d laugh about together if they were there in the room with you know. God knows, if they were in the room with you now, they’d want to be laughing with you not crying. Surely?